These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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