Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
