i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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