so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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