Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
