I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
