Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
