i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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