I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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