Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Randomize
