I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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