What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
