I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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