I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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