jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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