Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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