some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
