i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
