i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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