Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
