I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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