Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
