I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
A bitchslap is in order.
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