the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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