The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
