i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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