What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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