i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
