Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
