Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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