Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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