the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
