You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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