I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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