The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
