he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
