paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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