Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
