I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
