Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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