i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
