Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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