Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
