The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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