I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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