she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
