no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
