My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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