Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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