then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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