Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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