I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
