theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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