New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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